Tuesday, August 25, 2009

SONOFA...

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and thoughts yesterday. I even got a flower from a coworker and friend. I'm so glad she didn't stay to talk because I was on the edge of losing it all day. It's hard to explain, I mean after 11 years it's changed, the feelings of loss and sadness have changed. They're just different. Maybe better, I don't know. My dad likes to say - everything happens for a reason and we may just not know the reason yet. I think that's a cop out and I want to tell him to shut the hell up because there can't be a good reason that MY mom, HIS wife died at the cool age of 57. Obviously, it makes him feel better so I just nod and try to smile..all the while thinking that's what weak people say when they don't know what else to say. The truth is, he believes it, so I have to let it go. So YES, for ONE day a year, I AM Debbie Downer. Seriously, I try to be fun, upbeat, not Pollyanna but just positive because negative can suck the effen life out of you. But, Monday was MY day to be negative Nelly.

And it started like this..

Up at 4am to head to the local track for my mile repeats. I'm thinking, sweet, hit the HS track about a mile and a half from the house, perfect warm up, cool down, 3 x 1 mile repeats and the shit is in the bag. Um, no one told ME that the track was under construction. Sonofabitch. OK, not prepared or willing to do my long run, so I just 'run around' to get some mileage in, home, lift Grandma up out of her slumber to get her to pee. Do YOU know how hard it is to wake up and lift a 65lb Boxer out of a dead sleep? Crap, fine, she's pissed at me, I'm just pissed, period. Carry her sorry ass down the steps, she pees, outside, that is. Fine, fine, then she won't eat. It's like having a geriatric ward in my house. After no breakfast, she just stands at the foot of the steps looking up. This is my sign to haul her ass back up stairs since I'm the bitch that woke her up in the first place. Boost her up, Grannie is back in bed, happy.

Recent trip to the park with Grannie...oldest Boxer I know at 13.


Work is work but work was about 11-12 hours on Monday, adding to my less than stellar, all around cheery mood. Thankfully, the only thing I had to be pissed about was missing my swim and having to get on a bike trainer at 4:15am on Tuesday. Yeah, another long day ahead and I freak when I start missing workouts. I rarely miss more than one in any given week. It freaks me out.

At some point in all of THESE good times, RH asks - is this why you run, race, do tris? Do you do this for your mom? Yeah, I suppose I do. I'm forever looking for her to say she's proud of me. We didn't have enough time and she didn't get to see me married or race or anything. So, that's the only way I can explain all of this, I do it for her and hope that I make her proud. Hell, it's cheaper than therapy.

20 comments:

ONEHOURIRONMAN said...
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Shannon said...

Your a good mom to that old dog. BTW, you don't have to keep proving yourself to your mom-you'll kill yourself doing that. She already is!

Wes said...

Yea, I believe everything happens for a reason. It might not be a good reason, or a reason we understand, but still... a reason. I try not to be jealous of those who have gone on before us. Ya know? We are still here, suffering through this life, and they are happy, basking in the glory of God.

You keep doing what you feel you have to do. We got your back...

joyRuN said...

Because of your accomplishments as an athlete, & much much more - I'm sure your mom is incredibly proud of you.

MCM Mama said...

{{{HUGS}}}

You are a good woman with an amazing heart. Your mom would be so very proud of you.

Al's CL Reviews said...

You are a loving person to those animals. Your mom would be proud of that alone.

Your accomplishments "on the field" and off are a testament that your mom raised a good woman and a fine human being.

((hugs))

Mel-2nd Chances said...

I'd bet that your mom is already super proud of you and watching you at each of your races. hugs.

Kim said...

your beautiful mom has to be the proudest mom of all time. you are incredible. hang in there - hugs!

Carolina John said...

(((hugshugshugs)))

I'm proud of you (as a friend). You rock.

Beth said...

My dad died at 56, and I miss him every day. I'm right there with ya, kiddo. Way to make your mom proud :)

kristen said...

I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass. That sucks and I am sorry you have to have a day like that. Your a very strong woman Missy. There is NO WAY your mother is not proud of you.

Susi said...

love and hugs!

she's proud, just as we all are. :)

Alisa said...

She's proud =).

Your picture of Granny made my heart melt. I love doggies, especially when they get a little gray =). You're a fantastic puppy parent.

Jo Lynn said...

From what I've read, it appears you and mom had a great friendship and relationship. You know she'd be proud of you. At this point, it's time to to be proud of yourself. That's important too.

Oooh, your Boxer is old. How sweet is she?! You're pretty cool for carrying her up and down the stairs, I'll tell you that.

Ryan said...

That would be a totally hawt bestiality pic had you been "frenching" the dog back.

Sorry ;-)

Somebody had to go there, might as well be me!

Amanda said...

What Wes said.. and I think we're all proud of you and all you do.

Can't wait to see the purple wig! Thanks for helping! you do rock.

theloosemoose said...

You are positive and smart and motivated and disciplined and compassionate. You also likely have dozens of other stellar qualities of which I am unaware, seeing as I am merely a psuedo-cyberfriend. Your mom is DEFINITELY so,so proud of you - I'm certain of it.

(Okay, now on Sept. 8th when it's my turn to be Debbie Downer, please just cut and paste this comment back to me, substituting "dad" for "mom". Thanks so much.) :)

Tyger Lily said...

Hey Missy! I lost my dad 3 years ago and my 23 year old nephew in January. I hated it when EVERYONE told me it was their time. BULLSHIT!

I have, however, found comfort in knowing that 2 people that I love so dearly are waiting for me just on "the other side". I have never really been afraid of dying but knowing that I will see them again brings me comfort.

aron said...

(((hugs)))

Jill said...

Oh, Missy!! I could not wait to read this. I scanned it today at work but my gosh. I know...Grandma, you still love her but it's hard. My lab was 14 and his mind was wonderful but his legs would not work..boy, it was hard. I'll never get over losing him. Hang in there. Love Grandma all you can. She is not pissed at you at all.

And as for your Mom. Yes, she is probably watching you and thrilled at the woman you are today. Peace of mind knowing that you do all this to stay healthy - and yes, it is therapy too. I know all about that. We're all a little something something...and that's damn ok!! Hang in there and just always remember Mom is with you.

IronMissy - it's official!

IronMissy - it's official!
A vision in green!